God I know you love me….

I’m so amazed at how God loves me sometimes…He knew that I would lose

my entire immediate family all in less than a span of 2 years…so he

started preparing me for the process by first taking my father, then my

grandmother, and last my mother….I can remember like it was yesterday.

1 year and 5 months ago sitting next to my mother who was

unresponsive…I poured out my heart to her and told her that I could’ve

been a better daughter and we should’ve had a better relationship…as I

slowly watched her die before my eyes I could only think about the fact

that I would now have no family left… Sure I had my husband and

children and I love them with all that I have, but it’s nothing like

your own family that has the same blood line. When the doctors came in

and told me to prepare for my mother’s death…I’m thinking Lord I just

buried my grandmother who I spent every waking day with and now my mom?!

I had to make funeral plans for my still living mother alone. My husband

had to work and felt horrible about not being there with me the entire

time…from picking out her clothes to the  color of the casket –I

endured the entire process with just me and God…To hold my mother’s

hand and tell her she can let go now you’re going to be ok was one of

the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. After only leaving her for

about an hour to prepare and head back to Texas   to step back in her

room and watch her after hearing your voice take her last breath. I

stayed in the room with her still body for about 2 hours talking as if

she was still breathing and alive. But she wasn’t, she had taken her

last breath after squeezing my hand letting me know she heard my cry of

asking for forgiveness…You see I spent a lifetime wrong because of my

own personal hurt that I never healed from: and I held my mother to that

same hurt that I felt for years… To only find out that because of her

past she was hurt as well. And because she didn’t  deal with her hurt

she couldn’t help me…years of unforgiveness went by with me holding my

mother hostage to my pain and her never telling me hers. Two hurt people

can’t help each other heal until they fully heal apart from one another.

My mother did the best she could with what she knew and I wish that

would’ve been enough for me to see past her faults and see her

needs…Her need for me to be a listening ear when she was troubled, a

shoulder to cry on when my grandmother passed, and in some ways a friend

when I became an adult.. You see because of my mom’s choices in life I

chose to remove myself instead of allowing myself to continue to hurt.

By me doing so, it hurt me in my marriage with my friendships and as a

person…For many years I ran from the problem cutting myself off

instead of dealing with what was in my face. I became more angry because

I had no control instead of giving it to God. I’ve lost a lot in my life

due to my anger and hurt, but I’ve also gained a lot due to my

relationship with God. HE has shown me over the past couple of years,

months, days, and hours that I’m his child and as long as I’m doing his

work the enemy is always waiting trying to distract me…BUT because I

am his child…he has equipped me with the power to stand up and

continue to fight..this road I’ve traveled hasn’t been an easy one and I

still continue to face distractions daily. I promised God because I

trust you… I give it to you and take my hands off. I just want to

remind someone out there God is a keeper of his word and he will always

take care of you because you’re his son/daughter. You should never doubt

his love for you everything in due time in due season…I love my mother

and my grandmother and God loves me. He sent me not a replacement

mother/father, but my spiritual parents Tammy Dozier and Matthew Dozier.

So I thank you God for knowing that I would be motherless and

fatherless. You sent me two people who my mother blessed with her

permission to help me in this phase of my life. Believers, God knows all

your worries and if you just trust him he will do the rest. This is just

my story and my truth what’s yours?

Have you met Jennifer?

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