Guest Post|Please accept me just the way I am

I suppose my first real interaction with God came when I was 8 years old.  I was continuously praying and calling out crying for HIM to hear me.  Asking him to please stop my brother from sexually abusing me and my sister or just to take us away from all this.  I remember even asking him if I could just die, just so I could be with HIM.  Of course none of this happened, the abuse finally stopped after I was about 14 years old.  My brother was already married and his wife was pregnant so he thought he could come to me for his urges.  That was the last time I remember that happening.  I was like this body who was astral projecting onto myself.  My face turned towards the wall, feeling ashamed, dirty and numb.  I was so young, naïve, angry, scared and my brother was my monster at night in my dreams.  I started to rebel against my family, especially my parents because they didn’t protect me as a child.  I tried to tell them so many times, but scared that my brother would actually hurt us with a knife like he said he would.  I called my mom at work to try and get her to come home early or say that this was an emergency, but that never worked.  In high school my senior year (Age 17), I got in with the wrong crowd doing drugs and drinking alcohol.   I had some new friends, ones that loved me or so I thought they did.  At age 18, I left the house and moved out on my own, I had to get away from that house with all the horrible memories.  My first time having real intercourse was with a black man who was my friend’s brother, I bled afterwards and had gotten pregnant.  I went to tell him that I was pregnant and he was with another woman who lived in the apartment complex and both were telling me it wasn’t his.  I aborted that child because I was scared and didn’t know what to do.  I regret that every day that I made that decision.  I went into repression and further away from God because I felt like he didn’t answer any of my prayers and I was getting a taste of what real hard life was going to be like.  I was raised by my grandmother and I had nannies who both taught me right from wrong, but when your head is so messed up mentally and you’re not sure where to turn.  My head was telling me that well God didn’t listen before why would he care about you now? You’re a sinner….you are on your own.  My new mentality was Miss Independent, I had to take care of me.  I was resourceful, I had a job, a car, a place to live.  I would literally party every night out at the clubs, drink and dance, dance, dance.  I was very promiscuous, I cannot count the number of men I have had sex with to this day.  I didn’t want to even try, I am ashamed of that now.  I met my first husband on the Metro bus, he was going to U of H and I was headed downtown to work at a bank.  We smiled at each other, there was a definite mutual attraction between us.  He was from Morocco and I was not sure how we would communicate with each other. We exchanged numbers and went out a couple of times then we had sex. I knew we shouldn’t have, but I wasn’t thinking clearly.  I was shocked when he asked me to marry him, afterwards I found out he only needed me to get a green card.  I was furious with him even though we did try to make it, but when you start out the relationship in a lie where do you go from there? Our marriage lasted 3 years, in which, 1 ½ years separated. I blocked everything about my brother over the years, but the irony I had to face was that he shaped the way every relationship I ever had with a man.  Complete mistrust, always thinking that sex was love, and setting up walls was my life.  In the year 1986, I lost my job and was starving and about to be kicked out of my apartment when my parents came to visit me.  I barely kept in touch with them, but something amazing happens when you become grounded by your circumstances.  They both begged me to come home with them, so I did.  I still had issues with them but I was grateful to say the least. I truly started to pick up the pieces and get my life back together, went back to school and got an AS in Electronic Engineering. I joined a church and sang in the choir.  I was feeling better but still repressing my anger and feelings.  After graduating, I got my first real job at NASA.  I moved out again and closer to work once I got enough money and I lost all perspective again.  I was always around people at work who were alcoholics, sinners, and hypocrites.  I was lead into temptation again and again.  I started dating and went to see a therapist.  Everything came flooding out, the years of repression and I had to face it.  The cycle had to stop with me. I got pregnant again at the 30, I had my son and he truly brought me back to reality and grounded me with unconditional love.  The sad thing is it wasn’t until the year 2005 that I finally forgave my brother, he apologized to me and stated that he knew that wasn’t enough for what he had done to me.  Our family is still dysfunctional, I don’t speak to my brother often but we are family.  I found a new church and became fully active, I was so hungry for the word of God and to change my life around.  Jesus spoke to me that one Sunday thru a woman who became a mentor.  I feel transformed in the blood of Christ, and I will never go back again.  I am not perfect by any means, but I will continue to walk the path of righteousness and feel the Holy Spirit within me.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Meet Kimberly!

66727_4917277377392_1493292419_nAs a humble person, Kimberly Johnson is a poet, mother, and a compassionate person. She began writing in high school, has had a few published poems, and is now on a new journey writing a book. She gives all praises to God. Here is her testimony to give us the strength and courage to continue on the path that has been given.

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