How I was terrorized by sexual abuse

I was frozen with fear and intimidation. I absolutely could not move a muscle. Someone I had known for quite some time was now robbing me of my innocence. Although I was wide-awake, I thought, “I must be dreaming”. Soon, it became evident I was not dreaming. It was real, but psychologically – it didn’t make any sense. Where was everyone? Why was he doing this to me? It was all over quickly. I was afraid to say a word, but because of the familiarity, I wasn’t afraid of him. I was raised in a Christian home and immediately thoughts of fear, shame and disgust filled my head. Twelve year old innocent girl…Was I really innocent? I began to think this was my entire fault, I thought I must have done something to encourage this, then it hit me: It couldn’t have been an attack because I knew him. Was it actually molestation since there was some type of relation with this person? My head was pounding and I was literally sick to my stomach. It happened a few more times over a two-year period and I never said a word.

As the weeks and months passed by, I was still terrified, I didn’t know what to think or say. Every time I saw him, he appeared to be acting normal. ‘No one will ever believe you’, I told myself. I immediately blamed myself and thought if I had only screamed for help, fought, or threatened to tell, it wouldn’t have happened. My mind could not comprehend this whole scenario, so in order to cope with it; I blocked it out as if it never happened. I shut those thoughts down completely and decided I would never tell anyone.

As a young Christian adult, I sometimes asked, how could God allow this to happen to me? I was being punished for sure. I felt terrible shame and guilt. I never went to counseling or openly sought for help. I couldn’t tell my parents, and I was too ashamed to tell my friends. And who would believe me now after all the months and years that had passed…I STILL could not believe it! Because of my shame, fear, disgust and the belief I had no one to turn to, I regretfully made the decision to suffer in silence.

The molestation and then the trauma of feeling violated, haunted me for years. I found myself challenged with promiscuity; my thought process and inner core were deeply damaged. Because I blamed myself, even as a highly motivated college student, I over indulged in drugs and alcohol in hopes of dulling my senses concerning this hidden secret. I even found myself terrified to sleep alone at night while having reoccurring nightmares. Although, I embraced male friendships and marriage, there was only a certain level of trust and respect I would give to men. Any time I would hear or read about a related incident, I was reminded of my abuser. I became very defensive and protective when given “demands” by someone of the male gender. I later renewed my faith in God and accepted the call to ministry. At times, I even had unpleasant thoughts during intimacy with my husband. The affects still existed and were enormous.

When I finally became intentional about my relationship with God and desired to Be Made Whole, it was then I realized that though I had forgiven my abuser, I had never forgiven myself. I understood that fear had dominated most of my life choices as an adult because of the molestation. The process of confession, forgiveness and acceptance of God’s love brought me deliverance, healing and restoration. I am still a “Work in Process”, but I can truly say in my heart, “Fear Doesn’t Live Here Anymore.”
Meet our Survivor-Patsy Cole

Pat Cole
Patsy Cole, the Founder of Be Made Whole Ministries, is a blessed wife and mother of five. She is a native of Mineral Wells, Texas and currently resides in Arlington, Texas. Although Patsy received salvation at a young age, she discovered the intentions of God for her life in 1998, and accepted the ministry call to “Do the work of an Evangelist”.

Her career background includes seventeen years in Christian Education as a Bible/Drama and Middle-School Science Instructor. As a conference host and speaker, Patsy is known for her vivacious personality and the “preach-teach” delivery style of God’s Word, spiced with humor and authenticity. She is a Certified Belief Therapist, Health and Wellness Coach, Workshop Facilitator and Mentor. In addition, Patsy humbly serves on the Ministerial Team at Koinonia Christian Church in Arlington, Texas under the leadership of Dr. Ronnie Goines.

God has released an anointing upon Patsy empowering her to fulfill Isaiah 61:1: preach good news to the meek, bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim liberty to the captives, and open the prison to those that are bound.” As an intercessor, she has definitely heard the heartbeat of God concerning those that are wounded, sick, incarcerated, and broken in spirit. This ministry mandate has been carried out on platforms such as: Churches, Prisons, Women Shelters, Schools, both Christian and Civic Organizations.

“Although I’ve had many renovations and my life is constantly under construction, the Word of God has been a sure foundation, whereas, I’m still standing!”

Patsy’s divine assignment as an ambassador of Christ is to be a prophetic voice in these End-Times, to reach the masses with the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ by any means necessary. She makes it clear that desiring people to Be Made Whole and set-free “For Real” is her driving force.

These stories are REAL stories that give an account of either sexual abuse or domestic violence. It is our goal to share as many stories as possible in order to stop domestic violence and sexual abuse and start healing in our nation. If you would like to tell your story please email it to survivors@womenwithgifts.com. In order to duplicate or re~publish any article from our website you must have the written consent from the founder of Women With Gifts.

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